Last night did not suck as much as it COULD have. But the reason is just sad. What would I have done if no one were awake to talk to me... or cared enough to stay on the phone all night??? I gotta kick this dependency. IN THE FACE! I think I've graduated in my grief process ( yeah... still grieving 2 yrs later! ) from mainly missing my husband, to just plain missing being married. Having someone of my own. "Forever". That word should be placed in to the "kick its ass" pile and never spoken by immortals. Ever. lol.
Soooo ... If I could go back to any moment in time it would be back to the damn accident I had that started this finger issue to begin with! Then I'da never took the damn anitdeps for nueropathic pain. UGH. I've always hated medicine and never trusted it. BUt the one time I decided to take medicine it effs up my life. SMH. But oh well. Gotta move fwd.
I keep hitting this mental block where I feel like my life is permanently altered for the worst. And for all the positive changes in my life nothing seems to outshine the ONE negative one. Surprisingly, its not the loss of my husband. ( It should be noted here, that that would be the SECOND worst thing to happen to me ever. ) Its the Anxiety I despise the most. Its so out of my character! There are so many things I have to be grateful for. Material, and immaterial. New friends, new things. Old things, old friends. Stuff I love to do that I feel sometimes I cant bring myself to do. I now have a sort of mild Depression that comes and goes for no apparent reason.
Sometimes I'm unstoppable; Upbeat and bright faced. Ready to take this on and not look back. I AM ready to be this new super-single-mom-kick-ass-person. Except I feel like I'm doomed to have this anxiety person to drag alongside me, everywhere through every new experience. I wish more than anything I could just get rid of that part of myself. Just cut it off, burn it, get rid of it and never have to feel dizzy, fatigued and nauseated or have another "fake heart attack" or full out hand curling attack ever EVER NEVER ever again. I can get pretty motivated. Yet, As soon as I feel I've kicked its ass and left it for dead, I get back to this place. This wall in my head where I feel like it was all only wishful thinking. And my only ammo against myself is to convince me not to say that shit out loud.
ITs almost the same with religon. Some small part of me - Despite the works I've seen God perform in my life, disregarding the miracles that I've witnessed, and second chances that allow me to breathe RIGHT NOW - Deep down I still worry that Religon IS simply a coping mechanism made to keep the world from chaos and self destruction ( and mass mental breakdowns once each person is able to fathom the whole "ceasing to exist, period." phenomenon ) I worry that I'm only fooling myself. I worry that I'm battling against myself more than any devil or demons. My logical cynic vs the desperate believer. Where both sides NEED to beleive. For survical and stability.
Ugh. Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep tonight. I really just would like to ENJOY the good things in my life, once in a while. I get so angry that at the best parts of my life - THIS is when my anxiety decides to rear its selfish, deluded head. I want so badly to slap myself and say "Bitch, Snap out of it! you've got SO much good - youre going to miss it! Dont have time for this BS!!" Ha. Wonder how many therapy treatments would it take to talk my way back into the "sane, non medicated" world after that little outburst? I think we all know that we are all a little crazy. Truly. We just have different levels of what we will let people see. Ah. I digress. To know me is to love me. To love me is not to judge.
I'm fasting. Not for Ramadan. For a cure. For an answer, for a relationship... I dont know!! For a change possibly. A change away from this person who has to keep dragging around this dead weight. This shit has got to stop. Its not really that bad. I have remedies. I have ideas on what I can do to feel better. It could be worse. MUCH worse. I am still refusing to give up.. and I wont stop fighting the defeated attitude. I'm able to see, hear, walk and talk. I still have breath. I still have sound mind. I dont want this pain and these symptoms but dammit, they arent the end of the world. I can do this. I'm rocking this life till the wheels fall off. The devil is a LIAR! Hit him with the FLEX!! LMBO!
Now Watch me work. :)
lol
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment