WAR. SMH

I dont even want it. The reprocussions are much too steep. I could see if actually having it was as sweet as it is to just satisfy the craving... but it isnt. Its over quickly. The time it took to get to my limit, break down and just do it... took longer. Yet, chocolate, is still my nemesis. My greatest craving, and the cause of my pain.

Generally, with Anx Disorder the keys to successful, nonmedicated coping are to 1. Know your symptoms and be able to identify new ones as false alarms. 2. CUT OUT or minimize caffeine and extra sugar intake. 3. Excersise reguarly, eat well, and get plenty of sleep. (de-stressing activities) My issue is caffiene. Chocolate doesnt even hold enough caffeine to stimulate a baby. Yet, I am a chocolate FIEND. Always have been. So its amazing to me that all of a sudden, now that I deal with this, now I am affected by chocolate. Allow me to list how this painfully affects my life; as I am forced to just go without the following:

Jamocha Shakes
Cappuccino
ALL CHOCOLATE Candies (Snickers, Reeses', M&M's, Katydids, gourmet chocolates..etc)
Cookies that actually matter
Sundae toppings
Chocolate MILK for craps sake!
Brownies
Oreos
Cupcakes
Ben and Jerrys: Chocolatechip cookie dough.. and HAlf Baked fro-yo
and the mother of all deprivations: Yellow cake with Chocolate icing.

Now, these are all "fatty" morsels that I should not eat anyway. But in moderation, a NORMAL person can eat these things any time they want!! I DID! Nonetheless, I do not stock my cabinets or fridge with this evil, I am good at the grocery store and it does not follow me home. BUT IT APPEARS AT WORK! The devil is a LIAR! It is almost always ( maybe once a month it disappears, only to be quickly replenished by the devil's spawn in the form of a sweet old lady) present on the counter at work. Staring at me. Beckoning. And I dont blink. I take it.

The part that lets me know its an empty addiction to a chemical ( lol ok hear me out!) is the fact that I crave it, but not the taste. I stuff it down so quickly I dont even get to taste it! I moreso do it just to get rid of it!! To keep the damn candy/double fudge brownie/cupcake quiet! I swear its like prey to me! I just want it gone, I dont care how. And usually "dont care" means I'll eat it. All the while, amidst the stuffing and chewing in a corner, I'm justifying the crime. I'm thinking of what else I can eat to "water it down" or counter the caffiene effect. Milk! I find milk somewhere because of the chemical found in vitamin D that has a natural calming effect. OH yeah. I've recruited science in this fight! SMH. I pray about it, Lord help me. Please dont let this one little piece of chocolate ruin my whole night. Dont let me be up all night suffering with this panic attack mess because I'm hardheaded and addicted.

SMH. Chocolate is still WINNING.