The Spirit of Fear

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7

That used to be on the wall of my kitchen, growing up in my parents house. I only memorized it though, never really internalized it. I definitely still carry around the spirit of fear, like everyone else... and I know it is something I've fabricated in my own mind, since it was not given to me. What exactly am I afraid of that gives me so many problems, physically and mentally... well thats the easy part.

I am afraid to raise these kids alone. I feel cheated and robbed of my "perfect little life" I had, and I am fighting my own growth trying to get back into a comfortable zone. Being outside my original comfort zone is so painful I block it out. I use "things" like new material things, new hobbies, new men, new looks, self reinvention... ANYTHING to keep myself distracted, because I'm afraid the new person I would become if I went to church and changed myself would not be attractive to the men I have in my life now.. maybe not even attractive to ME. Am I "that kind of person?" Will I like being a "soldier for Christ?" Will life be easier or harder? Can I handle Harder? I'm afraid of more change. I'm holding on to things that dont make sense, and I know I need to let go and let God refill my hands with something better... but I'm afraid of the time it will take to get to "better than before".

The hard part is figuring out what to do about it. I'm praying, and God has removed certain "frenemies" from my life. I'm open. And God has shown me different truths about those whom I was turning a blind eye to in order to keep my comfort zone. And I'm growing in spite of myself, I'm no longer standing around yelling, "who moved my cheese!" I'm still not certain that I have patience to wait for "new cheese" or that I believe it will be better than what I have. But I'm not going to give up on myself. Baby steps. SIGH.