In the most recent events in my life... right now... I've been taking a step back to really see what is going on. Am I being true to myself? What does that mean to me? Without getting too far into detail, I will say the word "Friend" has been the recurring theme for this year. I've lost some false friends, gained some fair weather friends, and retained some friends I think will be around for longer than a season. I'm learning to be a better friend. I'm not as oblivious as I once was, and I'm much more vulnerable and sensitive to people than I was when I was married. I admit, I need them more now that I don't have my "rock" to fall back on. I used to be able to say "Well at least I'll always have him." And it would really (REALLY) be OK. No matter what I was going through. Now, I have to learn to lean on something more permanent than another person. And its harder than I thought it would be. Its actually harder to put my faith into anything that I cannot see or touch.. even when I can see and touch the effects of its presence; I still fear for its permanence. I'm not quite over losing 10 years of "forever".
So I focus on friendships. Because "forever" is still impossible to me. Its still illogical and I am still hurt by my own acknowledged ignorance of it: I knew but I didnt "really" know, as they say, so I ignored the sillyness of it because of the pessimism it takes to think protectively. Like:
Oh yeah, we know someone is not gonna make it to "forever" and one of us will have to watch the other unwillingly pass into another realm, separating years of closeness and love.. but thats not a nice thought so *poof* it doesnt exist. Lets ignore that part! "I do!" :/
Forever, is a silly notion. But I digress, Friendship is teaching me things. I'm learning what I like and what I cannot tolerate. I'm not as "girly" and "materialistic" as I used to be when I was younger. I have little patience for women that cannot relate to responsibility and solidity nowadays. I find myself unwilling to give in to long phone conversations, constant contact, and too many outings that involve frivolous eating and spending and shopping and primping. I like these things still, I'm not sour on being a girl: I just dont have the time or interest in them being my only past times. I want to find something else to DO. I want to belong to something and play a key role in something that is important to ME. I'm so sick of admiring jewelry and talking about how fat I am or which weave I want. In a nutshell I feel like I'm finding out who I am.. and that being true to myself is going to take some weeding out of "friends".
Relationships are a different story. Like long term emotion infused straight jackets you're supposed to choose to strap into, because apparently you like the feelings. So far I've only been restricted, drained and confused.. and I think I am realizing the reason why. I'm on auto pilot. My actions conflict with how I feel because they are not driven by my heart. They are remnants from my past relationship. I know how to treat a man, listen to him, make him feel special, let him "win", be supportive, communicate effectively, and compromise because I had a lot of practice before. Unfortunately this is seen as a weakness to some, as if they themselves are the reason for my actions, as if I have some deeper emotional trauma that has made me need them or become easily tamed, or am seeking something I say I'm not ready for. I agree, it may appear that way. My actions could've easily been mistaken for feelings they were not. But I dont feel like I'm being dishonest. I feel like its self preservation. Running on automatic is just easier, because thinking and overthinking, and then sharing the over-thought in hopes to be communicating and "sharing" properly.. is overated and easily misunderstood. And since my actions conflict... my words probably arent taken seriously anyway...this is where I probably have not been true to myself. I should probably be looking for people that make me feel comfortable enough to say what I feel without feeling like a nag.. or like the conversation is not worth their time. Maybe I should be seeking people who can be a friend first, without pressure to "get over" whatever baggage I'm assumed to have. People I can be open without without fear of being misunderstood. I'm honest. Just not as open. But thats not true to self is it?
What does it mean to be true to myself in a relationship? They are so heavily dependant upon people's egos and compromise and "tit for tat" and "wins vs lose" that I really dont know. Maybe the same as it means to be true to oneself in a friendship. Whatever it means, I realize I have more to learn. More to work on as far as being happier with myself. I've managed to become in dependant, regardless of the circumstances. I've managed to love myself enough to know when someone does not love me. I can recognize when someone is downplaying my value to try and "Even" the scale between us. I've learned that situation HAS made me a better person. Smarter. Stronger. Given me more clarity and purpose. I've learned that I'm looking for a man that is "Even" with me, because they've looked into their own situations and found their own value and "betterment". And they ADD to mine, instead of trying to outshine it or make me downplay my own to make them more comfortable. I'm also learning what I DONT want. I've met some really great people, and some not-so-great, some that like me, still need some work. But I dont regret anyone. Everyone served/and is serving a purpose. Helping me learn who my "self" is so I can be true to it.
mwt<3
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