Ground Zero: Starting from Less than Scratch.

I feel like I should start at the beginning. As you may have gathered from this blog's atmosphere and the links around you, my goals are to become a writer. Currently I am waiting on a response from my first pitch to a magazine, which after taking me 4 months to research how to do, I finally did it. But here, I'll bring you into my life, a little bit at a time so its not too confusing. lol First, I went thru a period of time, figuring out what I wanted to do... which involved :

1. Writing the outline of and researching pitching book ideas, taking a one day class on book planning, writing and publishing.
   
2. Writing a script teaser for my uncle, who produces a popular TV show. He asked me to finish it, and that didnt happen until 6 months later.
   
3. Planning a poetry book... an idea that lasted about 9 real life seconds.
4. Taking the music track, I thought about writing songs. Contacted my cousin who has a few published songs, she says I need to learn an instrument to accompany the song.
   
5. Bought lessons and a guitar. Needless to say, 9 months later I still cant play it.
6. Enroll in a writing class called Breaking into Print. <----------- NOW HERE is where things are beginning to happen for me.

So I guess this is where I will start this blog.

My dilemma is, I have a 4 year bachelor's degree. It has gotten me the job I have and the pay I need to raise two kids, buy a house and a new car. Guess how creative and useful that degree is for writing? Herein lies the problem. The degree is in Information Systems. Computer Science degree!! Yayyyy!!! :o| Not so much . I HAAAAATE my job. HATE HATE HATE.... it. I hate the people and how they are so damn needy. I hate being a peon that has the power to shut every damn thing down, and yet I'm treated like the damn 'help'. I hate that because I'm a woman in this field, I'm treated like I dont really know what I'm talking about, and when I solve a problem its just lucky. I hate how my boss treats me like a damn child. I hate how I have this "On CALL" bullshit, where I'm liable for system crashes, server hiccups, and user fuckups - large or miniscule- no matter what day it is, what time of day. I have to bring my ass an hour and a half all the way to work to fix it. I have to respond even if its 3 am on xmas eve. THAT 's some bull crap. I have to find something else to do with my life. Something else. ANY Thing else. I have to figure out how to be happy.

So I'm feeling like I'm looking in the dark for a strand of hair in a wig pile with gloves on when it comes to trying to find this job. I'm not sure if I'm looking for a starting gig, which could be anything remotely related to writing, looking for a career : like something full time... or looking for myself : which has proved to elude me for 26 years (and counting. ) I know that I'm supposed to be a writer. This I know. Deep in my marrow bones. I know thats where my heart is. Write what? Lyrics, Poetry, TV scripts, Articles, Books... I DONT KNOW!! I could do them all and die a VERY happy camper. Problemo Uno? NO experience. I got nothing. I need to flesh out what I really have vs what I need because I have a few editing jobs I've done, graphic designing and such... but I'm sooo scared to 1. just dive in and try something, anything! 2. get stuck doing something that my heart aint in. ( Like IT!!)

side bar : I always wonder do you know I mean Information Technology when I say IT and not the word "it" just capitalized. The thought bugs me to no end, I swear.

Any way, yeah so I'm like not only terrified of the prospect of going backwards, and getting a job doing something I'm just good at instead of something I want, but get this: When I see the INFINITE amount of freelancing/magazine/editing/blogging jobs out there... I freak out. I cant pick one, let alone try one, make fake goals to email one and never do ANYTHING. There's just so many!! I'm afraid I'm going to pick the wrong one and what if the right one is the next one, or two ads down, or <--- You see? THIS is my brain (without drugs. Questions?) I'm not hopeless though. Aimless maybe, but hopeless, NEVER! I'm going to get this. I am. Dammit. Pray for me please. And when God shakes his head and says "I KNOW. Maya needs help. I'm on it." Pray again in like 10 minutes and remind Him one more time. For me. Really appreciate it.

Thanks!

~Maya