Still Going Strong HOORAY! - Quick Update on Indigestion and Anxiety disorder

Real Quick:

It has been a long time since I had a really bad anxiety attack. Like months. I had some dizziness last month, due to my cold and ear infec, but I'm all good now. This month I continue to feel dizzy whenever something is off-kilter with my body or stress... but other than that, the indigestion theory is really working well. Anytime I feel something ( arm or chest pain, overpowering dizziness)   I just note where the pain is and assess whether it could be over tiredness, dehydration or indigestion. Usually, it is indigestion, and I have incorporated ginger and/or peppermint teas, peppermint altoids and tums to alternate for this type of discomfort. Trying to drink lots of water is something I'm doing also, because it really puts my mind to rest when I'm going to sleep, since studies show you are much less likley to have a heart attack while sleeping by simply drinking a glass of water. ( I know... Jeez Maya. lol right. These are the things I think about!! LOL )

Any way,  it has TRULY been a blessing to find something that works! If you have anxiety disorder, or know anyone that does,  I cant say enought how much it helps to know the facts and to feed the mental drama with good facts and consistent healthy choices.

Amen and good day!

Ohh! I almost forgot....

I've been sick lately and have not been posting... ( My bad..) But I found out something very interesting about Anxiety disorder when mine started to try to kick me in the boo-tox last week, and compounded with my ear infection ... I was dizzy and in pain, thought I was having a heart attack and couldnt keep my food down! It was a WRAP! But here's what I learned:

READ HERE about indegestion and anxiety.

 I found out that I had an ear infection, yes... but that dizziness without the ear infection ( that I seem to have ALL the daggon time) can also be an INDIGESTION symptom. So lets recap on all my "anxiety symptoms", so you can go with me on this:

Dizzyness
Muscle cramps/muscle pins and needles
random tingling in hands and feet
shortness of breath
heart palpitations
sudden fatigue
nausea/upset stomach
chills/shaking
headache

After some really scary pain in my chest and left arm, and some heart palpitations/shortness of breath, my doctor made me wear a Holter device for 24 hours to monitor my heart, and find out exactly what was happening during my "attacks". I was almost certain them bad boys were gonna disappear and make a liar out of me, but medical stuff makes me queasy so it turned out to make the perfect attack environment. I felt awful almost the WHOLE time I had it on. So I was definitely relieved that we would finally see what the dealio.. but also scared that my results would be bad.

Turns out, my holter report was totally NORMAL. PRAISE JESUS!!! I told my doctor about how usually the symptoms are eased by peppermints or tea, or belching ( heehee) and he said perhaps I just have an issue with indigestion!! of all things!! HALF of these symptoms could be coming from my constant indigestion! I mean, I pretty much ALWAYS have indigestion. More so lately than any other time but my "cure" for an anxiety attack is usally strong peppermints. Be it peppermint tea or Altoids, they usually do the trick. And we all know Simethicone (Gas X) Calcium ( Tums) or Peppermints are a cure for indigestion as well. Could I have been fixing the indigestion and therefore stopping the anxiety attack?? Could my anxiety attacks be brought on by indigestion issues?? Could I possibly STOP my anxiety by fixing the indigestion issue??


My doctor prescribed a medicine that I'm supposed to take in the morning every day that stops indigestion. I'm scared to take it because I dont want to be like my dad ( who has to take Prilosec EVERY DAY) in order to not be sick every day. What if I forget? I'm notorious for forgetting pills! ( Which is why at age 30 I have a child who is almost 9... Ticallion HMMM lol )  I'm gun shy of meds tho because I still feel that my anxiety was caused by a misdiagnosis where a nurse was "trying" a medicine on my finger pain symptoms. I will need to talk to him about medicines ( if I must take them) that heal the esophagus and make it so that I dont need to take them anymore, not something that will make me worry more - priming myself for horrible attacks when and if I do skip a day. So far I've been able to really SIGNIFICANTLY reduce my anxiety in the past week, just knowing that the really scary symptoms have all been indigestion - and being able to PROVE it by curing it with simple Altoids or Tums.

Either way, I've resolved to exercise everyday ( because I slept like a baby last night after a great workout!!) to try to keep my stress levels down, and drink lots of peppermint tea and keep my altoids handy for flare ups. Also I've made a concious effort to try to chew more slowly and eat slower ( jeez, right!? ) to help prevent swallowing air. I read also that estrogen is a cause of indigestion, so my wonderful Mirena Birth control pills are not exactly helping me out here. ( Side eye... because all this DID start shortly after I was put on mirena after my second son... compounded with the anti-deps misdiagnosis .... hmmmm!! )

ANY WAY ...lol tmi...

I'm really turning over some new leaves!! Hopefully they will STAY turned over and I wont be looking back at this blog next year like "MMMhmmmm!" lol

Ciaobellas!

Gluten Free Me!: Should I Just Start Eating Dirt Now?

Hey Guys,


So I went to the docs today ( who happens to be a holistic/pracitical medicine practitioner) and I’m being told I may need to go on Allergy shots. Like once a WEEK. ( Week week weeeeek) Heck to the nawl. There is no way in Amanda’s Furniture City [Cosby show reference!!!] that I am going to get shots every week for allergies that I can use a nasal spray or eat peppermints for. HMPH. He had the nerve to say “Well let me order you this Epi-Pen so you can use it on yourself ......

http://naturalsunshine.ning.com/forum/topics/gluten-free-me-should-i-just-start-eating-dirt-now?xg_source=activity

"O" Ok...

Hee Hee... my title is corny. What it is about is a book I stumbled across yesterday. This book Food Beverage and Supplement Lists for Blood Type O is fascinating!

"Type O was the first blood type, the type O ancestral prototype was a canny, aggressive predator. Aspects of the Type O profile remain essential in every society even to this day – leadership, extroversion, energy and focus are among their best traits. Type O’s can be powerful and productive, however, when stressed Type O’s response can be one of anger, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. When Type O wiring gets crossed, as a result of a poor diet, lack of exercise, unhealthy behaviors or elevated stress levels, Type O’s are more vulnerable to negative metabolic effects, including insulin resistance, sluggish thyroid activity, and weight gain. When you customize your life to Type O’s strengths you can reap the benefits of your ancestry. Your genetic inheritance offers you the opportunity to be strong, lean, productive, long-lived and optimistic."

It goes on in detail in the book, talking about the 14 food groups ( Jeez I thought there were like 5 lol ) And what to stay away from verses what is highly effective. It uses terms like "Highly beneficial" for foods that act like a medicine. And "Avoid" for foods that act like poison. ( "Neutral" for foods that just act like foods.) I'm really learning a lot, funny thing is, I'm so hypochondriac-erry I'm not really SURE I'm a type O. I rememeber seeing it once and thinking, oh cool I can donate to anyone. Universal. Great. But I have an appt, so I'll find out soon!
I'm excited tho. I like this little store I got the book from. A cute little nutritional healing store that carries essential oils also. I got some almond oil for my hair and some grapeseed oil for the kids' skin issues. Worked wonders!

What's your blood type? Find out what your traits are, and foods that are best for you!

This again. And Rambling. :)

Last night did not suck as much as it COULD have. But the reason is just sad. What would I have done if no one were awake to talk to me... or cared enough to stay on the phone all night??? I gotta kick this dependency. IN THE FACE! I think I've graduated in my grief process ( yeah... still grieving 2 yrs later! ) from mainly missing my husband, to just plain missing being married. Having someone of my own. "Forever". That word should be placed in to the "kick its ass" pile and never spoken by immortals. Ever. lol.

Soooo ... If I could go back to any moment in time it would be back to the damn accident I had that started this finger issue to begin with! Then I'da never took the damn anitdeps for nueropathic pain. UGH. I've always hated medicine and never trusted it. BUt the one time I decided to take medicine it effs up my life. SMH. But oh well. Gotta move fwd.

I keep hitting this mental block where I feel like my life is permanently altered for the worst. And for all the positive changes in my life nothing seems to outshine the ONE negative one. Surprisingly, its not the loss of my husband. ( It should be noted here, that that would be the SECOND worst thing to happen to me ever. ) Its the Anxiety I despise the most. Its so out of my character! There are so many things I have to be grateful for. Material, and immaterial. New friends, new things. Old things, old friends. Stuff I love to do that I feel sometimes I cant bring myself to do. I now have a sort of mild Depression that comes and goes for no apparent reason.

Sometimes I'm unstoppable; Upbeat and bright faced. Ready to take this on and not look back. I AM ready to be this new super-single-mom-kick-ass-person. Except I feel like I'm doomed to have this anxiety person to drag alongside me, everywhere through every new experience. I wish more than anything I could just get rid of that part of myself. Just cut it off, burn it, get rid of it and never have to feel dizzy, fatigued and nauseated or have another "fake heart attack" or full out hand curling attack ever EVER NEVER ever again. I can get pretty motivated. Yet, As soon as I feel I've kicked its ass and left it for dead, I get back to this place. This wall in my head where I feel like it was all only wishful thinking. And my only ammo against myself is to convince me not to say that shit out loud.

ITs almost the same with religon. Some small part of me - Despite the works I've seen God perform in my life, disregarding the miracles that I've witnessed, and second chances that allow me to breathe RIGHT NOW - Deep down I still worry that Religon IS simply a coping mechanism made to keep the world from chaos and self destruction ( and mass mental breakdowns once each person is able to fathom the whole "ceasing to exist, period." phenomenon ) I worry that I'm only fooling myself. I worry that I'm battling against myself more than any devil or demons. My logical cynic vs the desperate believer. Where both sides NEED to beleive. For survical and stability.

Ugh. Hopefully I will be able to get some sleep tonight. I really just would like to ENJOY the good things in my life, once in a while. I get so angry that at the best parts of my life - THIS is when my anxiety decides to rear its selfish, deluded head. I want so badly to slap myself and say "Bitch, Snap out of it! you've got SO much good - youre going to miss it! Dont have time for this BS!!" Ha. Wonder how many therapy treatments would it take to talk my way back into the "sane, non medicated" world after that little outburst? I think we all know that we are all a little crazy. Truly. We just have different levels of what we will let people see. Ah. I digress. To know me is to love me. To love me is not to judge.

I'm fasting. Not for Ramadan. For a cure. For an answer, for a relationship... I dont know!! For a change possibly. A change away from this person who has to keep dragging around this dead weight. This shit has got to stop. Its not really that bad. I have remedies. I have ideas on what I can do to feel better. It could be worse. MUCH worse. I am still refusing to give up.. and I wont stop fighting the defeated attitude. I'm able to see, hear, walk and talk. I still have breath. I still have sound mind. I dont want this pain and these symptoms but dammit, they arent the end of the world. I can do this. I'm rocking this life till the wheels fall off. The devil is a LIAR! Hit him with the FLEX!! LMBO!

Now Watch me work. :)



lol

<3

WAR. SMH

I dont even want it. The reprocussions are much too steep. I could see if actually having it was as sweet as it is to just satisfy the craving... but it isnt. Its over quickly. The time it took to get to my limit, break down and just do it... took longer. Yet, chocolate, is still my nemesis. My greatest craving, and the cause of my pain.

Generally, with Anx Disorder the keys to successful, nonmedicated coping are to 1. Know your symptoms and be able to identify new ones as false alarms. 2. CUT OUT or minimize caffeine and extra sugar intake. 3. Excersise reguarly, eat well, and get plenty of sleep. (de-stressing activities) My issue is caffiene. Chocolate doesnt even hold enough caffeine to stimulate a baby. Yet, I am a chocolate FIEND. Always have been. So its amazing to me that all of a sudden, now that I deal with this, now I am affected by chocolate. Allow me to list how this painfully affects my life; as I am forced to just go without the following:

Jamocha Shakes
Cappuccino
ALL CHOCOLATE Candies (Snickers, Reeses', M&M's, Katydids, gourmet chocolates..etc)
Cookies that actually matter
Sundae toppings
Chocolate MILK for craps sake!
Brownies
Oreos
Cupcakes
Ben and Jerrys: Chocolatechip cookie dough.. and HAlf Baked fro-yo
and the mother of all deprivations: Yellow cake with Chocolate icing.

Now, these are all "fatty" morsels that I should not eat anyway. But in moderation, a NORMAL person can eat these things any time they want!! I DID! Nonetheless, I do not stock my cabinets or fridge with this evil, I am good at the grocery store and it does not follow me home. BUT IT APPEARS AT WORK! The devil is a LIAR! It is almost always ( maybe once a month it disappears, only to be quickly replenished by the devil's spawn in the form of a sweet old lady) present on the counter at work. Staring at me. Beckoning. And I dont blink. I take it.

The part that lets me know its an empty addiction to a chemical ( lol ok hear me out!) is the fact that I crave it, but not the taste. I stuff it down so quickly I dont even get to taste it! I moreso do it just to get rid of it!! To keep the damn candy/double fudge brownie/cupcake quiet! I swear its like prey to me! I just want it gone, I dont care how. And usually "dont care" means I'll eat it. All the while, amidst the stuffing and chewing in a corner, I'm justifying the crime. I'm thinking of what else I can eat to "water it down" or counter the caffiene effect. Milk! I find milk somewhere because of the chemical found in vitamin D that has a natural calming effect. OH yeah. I've recruited science in this fight! SMH. I pray about it, Lord help me. Please dont let this one little piece of chocolate ruin my whole night. Dont let me be up all night suffering with this panic attack mess because I'm hardheaded and addicted.

SMH. Chocolate is still WINNING.

REPOST: Alone and UNLonely

I need to get back to this!!

Alone and UNLonely

I've always been relationshippy. My first boyfriend was when I was 12... and I swear to you, that its been "On to the Next" ever since. I cant remember the last time ( and I dont think there really ever was...) that I was actually single, not talking to someone or in the process of being "together". I'm not sure yet whether thats a good thing or a bad habit.

As a result of my serial relationship habit, I've come face to face with a fear I've known I've had for a long time. Singlehood. I'm not afraid of not having a boyfriend... I can totally handle the drama-less nights. Its the boredom. Ive found myself struggling to keep me occupied, so that I dont cave and just go out with whoever asks, or slip into depression and sleep all my free time away. Recently, Yesterday as a matter of fact, while visiting my little sister - who's fabulously single, loves it, currently dating a certain celebrity's little brother, and has the job of EVERYone's dreams - she pointed out that I thrive when I reinvent myself, and that I need to decide what I want to be next, and perfect it.

What do I want to be next? I've been talking about that for a while. I decided to step back and think about the thing I'm so afriad of. The Boredom. Why am I so restless? What could I be doing with my time? Why do I have so much time?

The more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I really am not all that bored when I put my mind to doing all that it takes to be this "new Me". I have business calls I make, new money to manage, places to go, things I like doing.. and I also find that I meet new people 9 times out of 10 when I'm doing all these things... alone. Honestly some of my best or most successful days I have are days where I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something totally out of my comfort zone, on my own.

So today, I took a step out the door... fresh faced and open for new adventures... Adventures being ME!!!

The Spirit of Fear

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7

That used to be on the wall of my kitchen, growing up in my parents house. I only memorized it though, never really internalized it. I definitely still carry around the spirit of fear, like everyone else... and I know it is something I've fabricated in my own mind, since it was not given to me. What exactly am I afraid of that gives me so many problems, physically and mentally... well thats the easy part.

I am afraid to raise these kids alone. I feel cheated and robbed of my "perfect little life" I had, and I am fighting my own growth trying to get back into a comfortable zone. Being outside my original comfort zone is so painful I block it out. I use "things" like new material things, new hobbies, new men, new looks, self reinvention... ANYTHING to keep myself distracted, because I'm afraid the new person I would become if I went to church and changed myself would not be attractive to the men I have in my life now.. maybe not even attractive to ME. Am I "that kind of person?" Will I like being a "soldier for Christ?" Will life be easier or harder? Can I handle Harder? I'm afraid of more change. I'm holding on to things that dont make sense, and I know I need to let go and let God refill my hands with something better... but I'm afraid of the time it will take to get to "better than before".

The hard part is figuring out what to do about it. I'm praying, and God has removed certain "frenemies" from my life. I'm open. And God has shown me different truths about those whom I was turning a blind eye to in order to keep my comfort zone. And I'm growing in spite of myself, I'm no longer standing around yelling, "who moved my cheese!" I'm still not certain that I have patience to wait for "new cheese" or that I believe it will be better than what I have. But I'm not going to give up on myself. Baby steps. SIGH.

Yeah, this too.

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

...Helen Steiner Rice

Me Me MEEEE!! And my Faith.

Today was a really, reaaaally good day. I did so much, so many things that seem like only a day ago I was terrified, anxious, and plain old making excuses about. I was normal today. A normal, working, single mom. I felt real feelings without being afraid to feel. I let myself live. I was a little upset about something I cannot control, but I let it ride. I didnt wallow in it or beg for attention. I let it go and did ME today. I wish I could put into words the pain my face is in right now from cheesing so hard. I went to work, I loved the newness and gravity of the job. My new title, my new persona. All the *new* I could stand! Like a buffet full of what I'm doing NEXT! UGH out of this 2 year rut! For a whole day, I stepped out of being a widow, being a cynical serial dater, being a reluctant single mother, and into "normal"... lol New clothes, new shoes, needing this and that.. and bills to be paid off, worries erased... certifications, oppurtunities...YES!! I came home, and I paused briefly. Oh I was tempted to tarnish the day with that old worrying wart again.. but I kept going. No pit ( or pity!) stops. I picked up my babies early! Dinner was done from the night before, and after they got bed-ready.. I played. No.. really. I PLAYED!! With my babies!!! And they laughed and giggled and we danced and my heart didnt break! I didnt avoid my babies' faces, hiding tears, missing him... I let go and I played. I wasnt tired, and I wasnt cranky. Oh God... it was a gooood thing. Best day in a loooong time. Faith recharged. I feel revived! I painted my toes. I meditated and did some yoga. Pulled a muscle in my chest - but didnt panic. It went away easily.

Oh today.. I'm gonna stop rambling now, but.. If you've ever been stuck in a place.. and finally come out, or at least gotten to steal a glance at sunshine... to know its there and its possible is enough. Its a miracle. Its my faith in living life- restored. I'm so motivated to keep having these days! And the bad days cant be so bad anymore, because I know days like this exist! I swear If I couldve spun around in the street today, gazed off into the far off distance and flung my hat into the air... Just go ahead and sing the Mary Tyler Moore song. I AM gonna make it after all. Dangit. <3

Finding the Fear: Moving in Spite of it.

So lately, in the past two weeks I've been suffering more from this damn anxiety crap. Everytime I tell anyone ( which is really not very many people since you have to endure the "oh.. thats wierd" look until you explain it in full detail that its not a contaigous deformity.. and doesnt come with an ID bracelet from the funny farm) they've asked me, as sympathetically as they can, mind you - what are you anxious about? Well, darlings, dear hearts... If I knew that I could probably deal with it.. and thus would be able to solve my own issue, now wouldnt I? Smh. They mean well, but it just isnt that simple. Stop worrying! HA! If only.

Thankfully I think I've finally figured out what it is that has been looming over my head and robbing me of sleep. Its the kids. Its being a mom. Its being alone. But more so, its all three of those things together, in conjuntion with a new step I've been planning to take ( which I'm acting on this week) transfering the kids to schools that are in my new area, closer to our house. Where they are now, are great schools. I love the daycare and the teachers, and Justin has never been pushed this hard to be a smart kid, and I'm loving the challenge. But.. they are only here because they had my parent's address. ( And last minute pick-up support, and easy access to school the next day, should I need them to stay over, and easy out for me if I just need a break.) This tranfer will embody the completion of my change from single mother, still coping with widow-hood and thus highly dependant on parents to single mom, I'm out here on my own. I'm terrified of it.

I know WHY I'm scared of it though. Its the "new family"ness of it all. The "No-dad" "Three people" "Hey those kids are here with both their parents" "It sure would be nice to have someone to tag team with, converse with, and share this parenthood thing with" blues. Now every day their only hope of having EVERYTHING THEY NEED done for them will be me. Just me. Sure, I'll have the times where my mom can try to help, but she wont be as available seeing that they arent so close anymore. Sure, I have friends that can help.. but this will be new for them since their only babysitters have been my parents and an occaisional blue moon friend-for-a-night. And both of those people (Yes both) I've known for more than 12 years. I'm afraid I'll have to do soo much more than I WANT to. I'll be diving into a HUGE non-comfort zone. And I'm scared I'll hate it and be overwhelmed. I'm scared this anxiety will keep me from being the mom I can really be, or that I'll be so scared of it that I wont do what I need to do.

And all people can really offer me here, including my therapist, is that "Its gonna be ok". Do you know how ANNOYING that sentence is? I'm so sick of hearing some outside force tell me that my fears are unwarranted and that its gonna be "fine". I dont feel fine. I feel like an overdue meeting of the Titanic and its iceberg. Like any minute I'm just gonna fall apart. That's the biggest fear. That some how I'll eventually just unravel and realize that Jason's death is the end of me, because I wont be able to handle the stress of continuing the life we created.

And then there's the part of me that knows something else. Its a small part, that says that all those stupid people that dont really know if I'm the "great mom" they say I am, and that really cant relate to my situation... are right. Somewhere in there I know it will be ok. I will get to the other side of this, and look back and STILL not know how I did it. Is it unnerving that I dont know the way? YES. Does it frustrate me that this anxiety shit did NOT come from Jason's death, so I cant really use getting over that to get over it? YES. But I still feel like I know this story. I still feel like I'm meant for something. I know I'll make it. I just have to step out there and try. My way has been paved somehow. And someone is waiting for me to see it. Nothing in the way but fear, and I'm sick of it. Sick because of it!! I'm going to step out there no matter what. I've done it before and found myself OK. Maybe that's what the stupid people have been trying to tell me.

So here I go. Today I found the info for their transfers, and made appointments to enroll. Tomorrow - new health insurance. Pray for me.

Boobies!

OK so I'm totally using that headline to grab attention - but it IS sort of about boobies. I've been reading about a different type of liposuction/augmentation surgery called Fat Grafting. They take fat from somewhere else, and put it where you want it! Like if I wanted new boobs, but wanted them to be real instead of worrying about the risks and pitfalls of implants. YAY! Its pretty awesome - the link that I put there:
http://www.drfinzi.com/Procedures/FatTransfer is a place in Maryland where I'm thinking I may get a consultation! Hmmmm....

So On the way to work today...

I was thinking about who it is I want to be. My therapist ( EeeeK! I sound like a crazy!) asked me what I want people to get from meeting me, or what I want their assesment of me to include. Did I want to come across as this rich widow who doesnt have to work? Did I want to be a hardworking single mom, whom know one really knows anything about? And I just looked at her. I dont know. I want to be someone new though. I do know that. I dont want to be the old me because there are so many stone walls and empty canyons left there. When I think of the "old Maya" I think of a person who was happy, but is now broken, and unproductive, and stagnant... and indecisive. I'm slowly becoming a new person - not leaving behind the good parts of who I was, because I did have many great things about me - fusing old and new together.

This newness I've taken on, and the changes I've purposely made are all shapes and sizes. The new small things; like my hair and residence, car and clothes, and becoming more organized are just my way of keeping up the momentum. The big things are parts of the old me that I started before, but want to start anew; like buying another home, starting another business, and finishing the writing of this novel, and putting forth the effort to meeting the goals I've set. I want to fuse the new little things with the new and improved old things and shape the new me. What I want it to look like when I"m done though... I have some idea.

I see it all the time. Whenever I think about my ultimate goals, of being a famous well to do writer, I see the same picture in my head. One of two actually. The first is me, speaking in front of a large crowd. But I"m much older then. That's all I can see. The second is me, walking around or sitting sometimes, in a large room with floor to ceiling windows. I'm at a very beautiful antique writing desk. The floors are wood, and the room is long like a sun-room/office. Its mine, and so is the house its in. And I can feel by the echoing in the room that the house is humongous. I'm a writer there too - but I'm many other things. I cant wait to be that person. I want to be refined and classy - quirky and eccentric. But overall I want to be generous! I want to have charities and foundations! It comes to me so fast like its not even my dream, like its something I saw somewhere - or something someone told me I was going to be!

I digress, back to the point! I can see and hear and feel what I'm working to be. I read somewhere that sitting in the this moment, at my "desk" or at my "podium" in my head is fuel for the manifestation. Its power for the soul, and fertilizer for the goals I've planted around me. I think its an excerise everyone should do. If only just to see! Where are you in 10 years? What is it like? What perfume/cologne are you wearing. The more specific the details the brighter the dream! Feel it. Be it. Go for it!




And one more thing,



I truly believe that the perfect breakfast choice at mcdonalds ( if there is such a thing... since it IS mcdonalds) is a chicken Egg and cheese biscuit. Thank you. *Steps down from oil of olay box*

But now I need some lunch.

xo

Pret-A-Manger

So what the heck is a Pret-A-Manger? Its an awesomely cool fast-but-not-too-fast food restaurant that is new, near my job. It sells organic stuffs: Handmade salads, sandwiches ( I think all sandwiches are handmade tho... hmmm..) and fruit/nut combos, baked chips and home made/bottled fruit juices and teas. FABULOUS food I tell you. Here's what I had:

Murray's Grilled Chicken, Avocado, Cranberries, Walnuts, Tomato, Baby Leaf, Pret's Seasoning with Wild berry Balsamic dressing! (Crowd: Ooooooh! )



and Kettles Cheddar Chips




I also had a cranberry apple cider, which, sorry -there's no pic for. But it was fantastic. Note: Do not leave this in the car and think you can drink it later. No presevatives = no savesies. It transforms in the night... Bloooohhohohoo-hhahahaha!!

Over it

I'm SO over this shit. So I'm going for it. I've decided for myself that I will not be ruled by this anxiety BS. I left that at my old house, in Annapolis. That place, those memories, my marriage - all that was taken from me. SO I'm leaving this shit there too. I felt more in control yesterday, after having another attack, I saw my kids and was fine. Like absolutely fine. It blew me but it taught me something. I'm in control. I can turn it off when I want to if I really try. So be it. Its war then.

Prayer dont hurt either.

Here I am again...

So I may have mentioned some time ago that I have anxiety disorder. I've been managing it pretty well since it just popped up out of nowhere a year and a half ago. Ive been managing it pretty well finally, but lately I've just been taking on too much. I knew it would happen eventually where I'd have an episode, but I just kept pushing myself, trying to ignore it. So today, after two months of non stop stress: moving into a new house with my kids, starting a new job, and trying to maintain a social life, I find myself at home again, trying to use face-book as a distraction from the fact that I'm struggling to breathe...telling myself I'm fine. That its "all in my head". I guess everyone has their own issues. :/

At the moment, I'm trying to eat so that I can stop feeling hollow. I wish to God that this would just go away. Permanently. I hate feeling like a crazy person. I hate thinking that I may have to go to therapy to manage this. I hate the fact that its ALL IN MY HEAD. How do you convince yourself that you're fine when you feel like you're having a heart attack, shallow breathing and things are getting blurry? Off balance, arms and legs falling asleep constantly, face feeling tight and chills off and on. I feel like I should be in a hospital. But I also know they are just going to tell me nothing is really wrong. So what am I supposed to do. Jason isnt here to tell me its ok. And honestly, I could tell he was just as scared as me because he didnt know what to do. He thought I was going crazy too, I bet. It probably hurt him that he couldnt help no matter what he did. I just wish I could take a pill once...

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could just end it all. The feelings are so strong and I feel so helpless. I hate feeling so out of control!! Last night I had to ask my mom to come over and do the kids so I could go to bed. I just makes me sad but mostly angry. I mean what the fuck! I'm strong and athletic and healthy! I eat healthy I do yoga, I take care of myself. What the Fuck.

Kickass

I am loving the confidence that Muay Thai is giving me! I can throw a real jab, cross, hook and upper cut punches, Kick with my shins and bounce around like I'm really doing something! lol I've never hit anyone for real in my whole life... well not with this kind of accuracy and purpose! I'm really proud of me and its only been a few classes. Hooray for hobbies I actually followed up on! Now lets see if I can do it for a month! Baby steps...

"Some beginnings start so quietly you dont even notice they are happening. - CDunlap

The Present: The Old 'Newness' Addiction

"There's No time like the present" is one of those cliche sayings that I actually like. Its a motivator. Its one of those things I can internalize as a mantra in my head that kicks me in the butt when I'd rather just sleep and be depressed. Lately I've definitely been what I'd call "Clinically" depressed. I cant seem to get into church, it just isnt getting me out of bed on Sunday mornings. I mean, honestly I like the idea of getting dressed up to go hear a good word, feel great inside and out and just get a new lease on the day. But for some reason, I just dont go. Laziness, depression, sadness.. they seem to go hand in hand. You'd think the obvious cure would be to go to church if I'm getting all those positive aforementioned perks. Not to mention the nice looking wholesome guys that go to my church... *Eyebrows raised* But I feel I'm in need of newness...as usual. And church is just not the first place I'm most likely to look.

I've been interviewing and searching for a new job, something to just suit my financial needs since I'm house hunting.

(side bar: Now THAT is the newness of the most addictive kind. House hunting. I can get amped to smell new paint, feel crunchy new carpet on my bare feet and get in a great mood to start my perimeter spraying for spiders ANY time. I cant wait for that! But first, I must get a new gig.)

But the job itself to me has been the hardest thing to submit to looking for. I think I want a job less than I'd like to live outdoors and eat squirrels. Seriously my passion for being the only female tech in a "boys club" world of IT is not exactly giving me goosebumps anymore. I just don't know what I want to do that could actually make me an income I can live from. I feel like I have no choice but to be in this field, since its where my degree and experience lie. And so, grudgingly, I apply for more law firm based tech jobs. I'm good at what I do, so its not HELL. Its just not my passion. I wish I could have a passion that fits into the "normal" category of life and corporate America sometimes. I'm grateful for my talents - don't get me wrong. But why couldn't I be like a stellar surgeon or CEO?

It seems everyone has a calling. Something they can write about or feel strongly about, some niche they fit into where it just flows right off their tongues and they barely have to work to get it right. Me? I'm still feeling around in the dark. This blog in particular was inspired because a friend of mine who is an aspiriring writer also, began a blog. I figured it would be a great way to start writing again. My issue? No specific direction. Her blog is nice and christian-y and she has a set topic she can talk about till she's purple. I have no specific direction. SIGH. That should have brought me to a point for this particular entry. It hasnt.

In any case, I can at least conclude that rereading my typed out thoughts is at least entertaining to me. I've been told I'm a good read, and that I've got a gift. I just finished reading an old post of mine - the first pitch I ever wrote and it was for one, inspiring. That feeling is something I definitely want back... Yet the book I'm writing hasnt seen me in about 2-3 weeks. I know I need to get back on it. I know I need to stop being lazy about pitching more magazines. I dont know if I'm more afraid to fail or afraid to put my all into something and be disappointed. This post helped me, just a little, remember why I love to write. It reminds me of that tiny spark... and thats all I ever really need. Wish me luck. Think I'm gonna try another chapter tonight. No time like the present. :)

xoxo
Maya Tyler

So this is Me Now.

Its been a year. In a nutshell...

OK so it cant fit into a nutshell. Unless this nutshell was 9 football fields long and 2 Olympic pools deep. But to put it plainly, my fears and what I thought would be the worst thing in the world was probably nothing compared to what it was really like to try to live through it happening - and then living thru the aftermath. My other half, love of my life, best friend in the world.. died. Very suddenly. About 3 days after the last blog I wrote, as a matter of fact. Its very close to a year later now, and the process of changing from who I was when it happened, who I am now, and who I'm trying to become, has been both mentally and physically draining and yet I've grown more as a woman in one year than ever before in my life. Knowing this, I still hope I never have another tragedy of this magnitude as long as live. Alas, I plan to someday marry again, and I still have both my parents at this point in my life; so apparently, life has no sympathy for me in this arena. At least I'm not alone in that.

Anyhow, the struggle continues. It truly does better as time passes... not by any stretch can I use the word "easier", but not as gut wrenching and hopeless as day 1, I guess. I've moved in with my parents - kids in tow, lost my job, stopped freelancing, gained and severed relationships, cried till I couldn't, and died a little every day for the past 361 days... all in pursuit of the moment where I could exhale and say, I made it through. I haven't given up though. That simple truth, I think, is like my own personal "Rocky" moment. The fact that I haven't stopped moving forward, I've been productive in my time of unemployment (writing/sleep therapy/indefinite vacation, as I like to call it) and I'm doing well as far as whats important - that is where I can say, YES - I am indeed, a tough frickin' cookie.

I've also undergone some personal changes; in search of myself. Ive lost about 15 lbs and kept it off, undone my dreadlocks, taken up Muay Thai boxing ( which I hope I can keep up as a new regimen) and yoga techniques, and I've started my first chick literature novel - I'm on chapter 8/9!! and I have an editor! - working with my old mentor from a writing course I took. I have an IT job recruiter and within a week of contacting him, I've gone on an interview and await the verdict tomorrow. I stand to make good money as an IT pro and just write my book on the side ( and hopefully do some more freelancing) until I don't ever have to have a full time job in IT again. :) I'm looking for another home to purchase as soon as I get a job, and I've successfully landed a renter for my previous house. I've re-written my life plan, meaning I DO want to go back to school, just not sure for what yet. Probably web development. At least I'll be interested in the degree this time. :)

Something I needed to do that I've done is reestablished my sense of friendship and being a good friend. I've severed ties that I needed to let go, and made stronger a bond with my best friend, gaining a 2nd BFF in the process. As girly and mushy as that sounds, I'm perfectly happy with it!

As far as men and dating go, I'm just not ready to be serious, and that's ok. I do go out, and hang out with guys I knew before my marriage and that I know are just friends... I'm not ugly though and I'm an awesome person, :) so I realize not all my "friends" are just platonic, but I'm ok with that too. As long as nothing is required of me. So that's working for now. I must say I do miss being married and being "totally honest no matter what" but this will do. For now.

My kids... Well I do the best I can. I have a lot of support, which I thank God for. I'm being told I'm an awesome mom and that I do great... I'm just not convinced my heart is fully into it and that sucks to me because they deserve someone who can be emotionally available. I do things because I must, because I'm their mother, and of course I love them. They remind me with every breath, however, that they are pieces of him, with his faces and his eyes... and his dimples and his smile. Its unbearable to look at them at times, and other times I get frustrated with disciplining my oldest. Time will only tell how well I do, and how much I screw them up. I guess though, at least I can say, that we are all screwed up in one way or another. I continue to do my best, nonetheless. If I can just hand on until they get thru college prep school.. I think I'll be home free. lol

I think that's it. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more. This is really just the filler blog to move me from the last entry to the next. I renamed the blog "In My Hand" because this is my story, from my point of view, my way. In my own words, in my own handwriting... so to speak. Cant wait to once again start this little labor of love. If you're on for the ride, I appreciate you. Walk this with me, and see it how I see it. It'll be interesting, I promise. lol...


xoxo,
Maya Tyler

Waning Libido

I'm setting goals. I am. I'm just not keeping them. I have a goal right now, to write two articles by the week's end. Will I do it? 90% chance I'll be too tired, or feeling too bad ( sinuses, finger pain, the usual suspects). Makes me wonder if I shouldnt just grit my teeth and bear the pain and write through it. If I'm gonna die, at least I will have written something! You have no idea how much the articles I've published so far mean to me BECAUSE of the feelings I have (Regularly) about my mortality and the sneaking suspicion that I dont have all 100 years here, you know? I've always "known" I'd die around 70 or 80... but now I'm just afraid of accidentally kicking the bucket. Like of some injury, attack or sickness. Anyway...

I hear Keithy ( Keith Oberman) is on downstairs. And he wonders why we arent "spending time together lately: It's the damn tv. Between the video games, the tv shows, and him taking 30 years every night to clean the damn kitchen, we just dont have enough time together lately. But that's not what MY Libido is losing its mojo for... at least not yet.

My thirst for writing is waning. I'm becoming less hopeful and more wishful. I just wanna be a professional writer dammit!! But I wont DO what it takes!! I dont write often enough, and when I do its stuff that I cant use! And so it sits. I get excited about a story, spend a week, two weeks tops really dedicating my life to it, and then, poof. A day goes by where I dont touch it, then a week, then 3 months. But I'm hard on myself too. I just hope I'm hard enough to push me into being what I want more than anything to be. You get just one life, just one chance to be the person you are... and I just pray I dont waste it, thinking back to now when ALL I HAD TO DO WAS WRITE!!!