Where's Joy?

Taking inventory of my happinesses versus my joys today. I know that joy comes from within, and that happiness is temporary, and conditional - so I'm thinking:

What happinesses are sure to run out?
What I can do to pursue more joy in its place?
What gives me joy?

I know the answer probably lies in replacing small pleasures with God. Is it that I dont want to let go of the small pleasures? I know they cant make me nearly as happy as the presence of God in my life, or refocusing some of my spare time to be producing what gives me joy instead of what passes the time. But I still find myself clinging to the small things, knowing they will fade eventually. I am never ready when things fade either. Always caught way off guard when it happens, when the rug is yanked out from under me, even though I call myself "ok" with its emminent demise from the beginning.

For example, I found myself in a quasi-relationship that was obviously temporary around this time last year. I felt myself clinging to it, because I it was all I felt I had, that was keeping me from feeling the pain of losing Jason. So I held onto it. I had a feeling when it was coming to a close. Like I knew it was getting to a point where there was no more left to get from it. But I held on. At what seemed like my most comfortable point - thats when it toppled off balance and destroyed itself, all those peices of sweetness I'd held onto... now dirty and scattered and lost, like spilled skittles. I'd told myself from the beginning I wouldnt get attached. I wouldnt care because I knew it was temporary. But I was desperate to find a piece of happiness. So I took it, expiration date and all.

I dont even blame myself for not seeing reality that time. I needed it then. But now, I feel it coming again. I feel like something is about to change again, reveal itself and I can either leave it first, or watch it leave. For once I'd like to leave it. I'd like to choose God and let go of this thing. Am I too lazy to try? Too scared to jump out there? Too lonely to stop clinging? Honestly I dont know. Tell u when its over.