Its been a year. In a nutshell...
OK so it cant fit into a nutshell. Unless this nutshell was 9 football fields long and 2 Olympic pools deep. But to put it plainly, my fears and what I thought would be the worst thing in the world was probably nothing compared to what it was really like to try to live through it happening - and then living thru the aftermath. My other half, love of my life, best friend in the world.. died. Very suddenly. About 3 days after the last blog I wrote, as a matter of fact. Its very close to a year later now, and the process of changing from who I was when it happened, who I am now, and who I'm trying to become, has been both mentally and physically draining and yet I've grown more as a woman in one year than ever before in my life. Knowing this, I still hope I never have another tragedy of this magnitude as long as live. Alas, I plan to someday marry again, and I still have both my parents at this point in my life; so apparently, life has no sympathy for me in this arena. At least I'm not alone in that.
Anyhow, the struggle continues. It truly does better as time passes... not by any stretch can I use the word "easier", but not as gut wrenching and hopeless as day 1, I guess. I've moved in with my parents - kids in tow, lost my job, stopped freelancing, gained and severed relationships, cried till I couldn't, and died a little every day for the past 361 days... all in pursuit of the moment where I could exhale and say, I made it through. I haven't given up though. That simple truth, I think, is like my own personal "Rocky" moment. The fact that I haven't stopped moving forward, I've been productive in my time of unemployment (writing/sleep therapy/indefinite vacation, as I like to call it) and I'm doing well as far as whats important - that is where I can say, YES - I am indeed, a tough frickin' cookie.
I've also undergone some personal changes; in search of myself. Ive lost about 15 lbs and kept it off, undone my dreadlocks, taken up Muay Thai boxing ( which I hope I can keep up as a new regimen) and yoga techniques, and I've started my first chick literature novel - I'm on chapter 8/9!! and I have an editor! - working with my old mentor from a writing course I took. I have an IT job recruiter and within a week of contacting him, I've gone on an interview and await the verdict tomorrow. I stand to make good money as an IT pro and just write my book on the side ( and hopefully do some more freelancing) until I don't ever have to have a full time job in IT again. :) I'm looking for another home to purchase as soon as I get a job, and I've successfully landed a renter for my previous house. I've re-written my life plan, meaning I DO want to go back to school, just not sure for what yet. Probably web development. At least I'll be interested in the degree this time. :)
Something I needed to do that I've done is reestablished my sense of friendship and being a good friend. I've severed ties that I needed to let go, and made stronger a bond with my best friend, gaining a 2nd BFF in the process. As girly and mushy as that sounds, I'm perfectly happy with it!
As far as men and dating go, I'm just not ready to be serious, and that's ok. I do go out, and hang out with guys I knew before my marriage and that I know are just friends... I'm not ugly though and I'm an awesome person, :) so I realize not all my "friends" are just platonic, but I'm ok with that too. As long as nothing is required of me. So that's working for now. I must say I do miss being married and being "totally honest no matter what" but this will do. For now.
My kids... Well I do the best I can. I have a lot of support, which I thank God for. I'm being told I'm an awesome mom and that I do great... I'm just not convinced my heart is fully into it and that sucks to me because they deserve someone who can be emotionally available. I do things because I must, because I'm their mother, and of course I love them. They remind me with every breath, however, that they are pieces of him, with his faces and his eyes... and his dimples and his smile. Its unbearable to look at them at times, and other times I get frustrated with disciplining my oldest. Time will only tell how well I do, and how much I screw them up. I guess though, at least I can say, that we are all screwed up in one way or another. I continue to do my best, nonetheless. If I can just hand on until they get thru college prep school.. I think I'll be home free. lol
I think that's it. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more. This is really just the filler blog to move me from the last entry to the next. I renamed the blog "In My Hand" because this is my story, from my point of view, my way. In my own words, in my own handwriting... so to speak. Cant wait to once again start this little labor of love. If you're on for the ride, I appreciate you. Walk this with me, and see it how I see it. It'll be interesting, I promise. lol...
xoxo,
Maya Tyler
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