"There's No time like the present" is one of those cliche sayings that I actually like. Its a motivator. Its one of those things I can internalize as a mantra in my head that kicks me in the butt when I'd rather just sleep and be depressed. Lately I've definitely been what I'd call "Clinically" depressed. I cant seem to get into church, it just isnt getting me out of bed on Sunday mornings. I mean, honestly I like the idea of getting dressed up to go hear a good word, feel great inside and out and just get a new lease on the day. But for some reason, I just dont go. Laziness, depression, sadness.. they seem to go hand in hand. You'd think the obvious cure would be to go to church if I'm getting all those positive aforementioned perks. Not to mention the nice looking wholesome guys that go to my church... *Eyebrows raised* But I feel I'm in need of newness...as usual. And church is just not the first place I'm most likely to look.
I've been interviewing and searching for a new job, something to just suit my financial needs since I'm house hunting.
(side bar: Now THAT is the newness of the most addictive kind. House hunting. I can get amped to smell new paint, feel crunchy new carpet on my bare feet and get in a great mood to start my perimeter spraying for spiders ANY time. I cant wait for that! But first, I must get a new gig.)
But the job itself to me has been the hardest thing to submit to looking for. I think I want a job less than I'd like to live outdoors and eat squirrels. Seriously my passion for being the only female tech in a "boys club" world of IT is not exactly giving me goosebumps anymore. I just don't know what I want to do that could actually make me an income I can live from. I feel like I have no choice but to be in this field, since its where my degree and experience lie. And so, grudgingly, I apply for more law firm based tech jobs. I'm good at what I do, so its not HELL. Its just not my passion. I wish I could have a passion that fits into the "normal" category of life and corporate America sometimes. I'm grateful for my talents - don't get me wrong. But why couldn't I be like a stellar surgeon or CEO?
It seems everyone has a calling. Something they can write about or feel strongly about, some niche they fit into where it just flows right off their tongues and they barely have to work to get it right. Me? I'm still feeling around in the dark. This blog in particular was inspired because a friend of mine who is an aspiriring writer also, began a blog. I figured it would be a great way to start writing again. My issue? No specific direction. Her blog is nice and christian-y and she has a set topic she can talk about till she's purple. I have no specific direction. SIGH. That should have brought me to a point for this particular entry. It hasnt.
In any case, I can at least conclude that rereading my typed out thoughts is at least entertaining to me. I've been told I'm a good read, and that I've got a gift. I just finished reading an old post of mine - the first pitch I ever wrote and it was for one, inspiring. That feeling is something I definitely want back... Yet the book I'm writing hasnt seen me in about 2-3 weeks. I know I need to get back on it. I know I need to stop being lazy about pitching more magazines. I dont know if I'm more afraid to fail or afraid to put my all into something and be disappointed. This post helped me, just a little, remember why I love to write. It reminds me of that tiny spark... and thats all I ever really need. Wish me luck. Think I'm gonna try another chapter tonight. No time like the present. :)
xoxo
Maya Tyler
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