Here I am again...

So I may have mentioned some time ago that I have anxiety disorder. I've been managing it pretty well since it just popped up out of nowhere a year and a half ago. Ive been managing it pretty well finally, but lately I've just been taking on too much. I knew it would happen eventually where I'd have an episode, but I just kept pushing myself, trying to ignore it. So today, after two months of non stop stress: moving into a new house with my kids, starting a new job, and trying to maintain a social life, I find myself at home again, trying to use face-book as a distraction from the fact that I'm struggling to breathe...telling myself I'm fine. That its "all in my head". I guess everyone has their own issues. :/

At the moment, I'm trying to eat so that I can stop feeling hollow. I wish to God that this would just go away. Permanently. I hate feeling like a crazy person. I hate thinking that I may have to go to therapy to manage this. I hate the fact that its ALL IN MY HEAD. How do you convince yourself that you're fine when you feel like you're having a heart attack, shallow breathing and things are getting blurry? Off balance, arms and legs falling asleep constantly, face feeling tight and chills off and on. I feel like I should be in a hospital. But I also know they are just going to tell me nothing is really wrong. So what am I supposed to do. Jason isnt here to tell me its ok. And honestly, I could tell he was just as scared as me because he didnt know what to do. He thought I was going crazy too, I bet. It probably hurt him that he couldnt help no matter what he did. I just wish I could take a pill once...

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could just end it all. The feelings are so strong and I feel so helpless. I hate feeling so out of control!! Last night I had to ask my mom to come over and do the kids so I could go to bed. I just makes me sad but mostly angry. I mean what the fuck! I'm strong and athletic and healthy! I eat healthy I do yoga, I take care of myself. What the Fuck.