So lately, in the past two weeks I've been suffering more from this damn anxiety crap. Everytime I tell anyone ( which is really not very many people since you have to endure the "oh.. thats wierd" look until you explain it in full detail that its not a contaigous deformity.. and doesnt come with an ID bracelet from the funny farm) they've asked me, as sympathetically as they can, mind you - what are you anxious about? Well, darlings, dear hearts... If I knew that I could probably deal with it.. and thus would be able to solve my own issue, now wouldnt I? Smh. They mean well, but it just isnt that simple. Stop worrying! HA! If only.
Thankfully I think I've finally figured out what it is that has been looming over my head and robbing me of sleep. Its the kids. Its being a mom. Its being alone. But more so, its all three of those things together, in conjuntion with a new step I've been planning to take ( which I'm acting on this week) transfering the kids to schools that are in my new area, closer to our house. Where they are now, are great schools. I love the daycare and the teachers, and Justin has never been pushed this hard to be a smart kid, and I'm loving the challenge. But.. they are only here because they had my parent's address. ( And last minute pick-up support, and easy access to school the next day, should I need them to stay over, and easy out for me if I just need a break.) This tranfer will embody the completion of my change from single mother, still coping with widow-hood and thus highly dependant on parents to single mom, I'm out here on my own. I'm terrified of it.
I know WHY I'm scared of it though. Its the "new family"ness of it all. The "No-dad" "Three people" "Hey those kids are here with both their parents" "It sure would be nice to have someone to tag team with, converse with, and share this parenthood thing with" blues. Now every day their only hope of having EVERYTHING THEY NEED done for them will be me. Just me. Sure, I'll have the times where my mom can try to help, but she wont be as available seeing that they arent so close anymore. Sure, I have friends that can help.. but this will be new for them since their only babysitters have been my parents and an occaisional blue moon friend-for-a-night. And both of those people (Yes both) I've known for more than 12 years. I'm afraid I'll have to do soo much more than I WANT to. I'll be diving into a HUGE non-comfort zone. And I'm scared I'll hate it and be overwhelmed. I'm scared this anxiety will keep me from being the mom I can really be, or that I'll be so scared of it that I wont do what I need to do.
And all people can really offer me here, including my therapist, is that "Its gonna be ok". Do you know how ANNOYING that sentence is? I'm so sick of hearing some outside force tell me that my fears are unwarranted and that its gonna be "fine". I dont feel fine. I feel like an overdue meeting of the Titanic and its iceberg. Like any minute I'm just gonna fall apart. That's the biggest fear. That some how I'll eventually just unravel and realize that Jason's death is the end of me, because I wont be able to handle the stress of continuing the life we created.
And then there's the part of me that knows something else. Its a small part, that says that all those stupid people that dont really know if I'm the "great mom" they say I am, and that really cant relate to my situation... are right. Somewhere in there I know it will be ok. I will get to the other side of this, and look back and STILL not know how I did it. Is it unnerving that I dont know the way? YES. Does it frustrate me that this anxiety shit did NOT come from Jason's death, so I cant really use getting over that to get over it? YES. But I still feel like I know this story. I still feel like I'm meant for something. I know I'll make it. I just have to step out there and try. My way has been paved somehow. And someone is waiting for me to see it. Nothing in the way but fear, and I'm sick of it. Sick because of it!! I'm going to step out there no matter what. I've done it before and found myself OK. Maybe that's what the stupid people have been trying to tell me.
So here I go. Today I found the info for their transfers, and made appointments to enroll. Tomorrow - new health insurance. Pray for me.
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